mood indigo.

..I didn't know what to do. so I decided to dye part of my hair blue.
i guess this is something new.

sorta.
side of the bottle read: indigo.
the perfect balance between blue & violet.




it's an odd feeling, wanting to be older yet not wanting to grow up. as if one could increase maturity levels & stray away from the responsiblities of adulthood.

it hit me the other day. everything had changed. when did this happen? it appears like just overnight but I know that's not right. it happened over the years I guess..yet I'm still finding it difficult to walk down certain streets. empty reminders of how life was. when it seemed simplier. or atleast when this appeared exciting and new. the old coffee shoppe is closed. someone else lives in my old apartment. you can't smoke in grand coney anymore. soon someone else will drive my car. the lights in my parents old house are never on. even the faces at the gas station i frequent have changed.

I'm finding it difficult to find a spark. wet matches to gunpowder.
I am -however, trying to find solace in this enternial solitude. it's drôle living alone.
so i'm trying to find amusment in the simple things.
espically since all the things I used to be able to rely on seem to disappoint lately. they no longer bring comfort. I feel dull. simple things, like the constant tick of the clock: the sound used to soothe me. now it's steadily mocking me of what a waste it is.
i don't even enjoying smoking that much anymore.
-- i just need something to do with my hands..
pointless. what good is an addiction, you don't even enjoy?

I just feel so fucking burnt out. my flame was snuffed out awhile ago. wick: no longer exisitant. just a ball of wax. no longer useful.

..
the combination of these restraining four walls and crazy high heat of late night is messing with my head.
how is it that Ill always think of a better responce, hours later?
maybe if I was more witty. just a touch more clever. if I had a better job. if I applied myself to something productive. maybe if I was more worldly. if i censored some of my thoughts before blurting them out. if I didn't swear like a fucking sailor. or if I didn't wear my make up from the night before. maybe it's my sense of style. or the way I part my hair. maybe it's because I prefer to sleep away the day, but I'm a complete insombaic.
please.