insanity:

doing the same thing & expecting different results.

if your're not happy with where you are,

choose a different route

maybe getting lost, will help you break out of this rut 

you've boxed yourself into.

" i dont really wanna grind anymore
cause the stress be killin' me

&i dont wanna be broke no more
cause they cant reconize dope no more.

i gotta do me;; i just wanna do me. "

im very excited for this new opportunity. 

new people. new places. a chance to be new. 

please dont let this blow up in my face.

i dont think i could handle that again.

lately ive been so on edge. everything sets me off, internally. i'm struggling not to let it show. i used to have such a strong front. now i feel like my emotions show right through, as if my mood was written all over my face.. 

it makes me feel so weak.

 

...

my mom told me today, not to give up on her. i'm finding it so difficult.   i feel like im staring at a ghost. you're so distant with me.

and there are no words 

to describe the emotions that bubble to the surface

i just need to remember to make every moment worth it.

what if you dont wake up tomorrow?

i have so many words that ive let go unsaid

there are so many people that ive let influence my head

and i know i should appricate each and every day

but im finding it more difficult to get out of bed.

i just want to curl up in this sea of blankets and stay

until the night sky comes out once more,

morphing from day

into moon light. 

a majority of the stars we see in the sky are burnt out, but their beauty is still appreciated

even after they're gone.

im feelin starry eyed.

....

this is the sort of situation where drunk dialing seems appropriate.

i cant spell it out for you,

i need to just accidently let it slip...

 ...

you'd think after 5 years i would have learned to let go...

& i suppose, i should've known
what was waiting around the bend

  [i didn't know that kindness was fleeting; i didn't know that soft could go hard.]

  i bet you wonder at the words in your mouth. i bet you wonder at the sound.

 we break the promise,
and we take it back
we move in silence- this is the end, 

the end,

the end.

we try. we fail. we crawl. we let the pieces fall where they may, & the picture fades.

so go on and break my heart
it's always been caught off guard
in the end, there is nothing left to save

and the secrets you keep under your tongue
are turning two into no one.

....

 

am i supposted to have faith? that eventually eveything with work out ok. humanity has shown me, one time too many, that almost everything is your immortal enemy.

so why dive in and let the currant take me?

flying so high, inevibitly we will come crashing down.

feeling weight less before we hit the ground.

i dont want to risk it. it seems too naive of a mistake. i like what we have, no need for any extra steps we need to take..

and while you're so busy speeding along ahead of me,

dont second guess if it, if i drown in your wake.

really, this force drama was just a little too much to take. 

and i cant fake strength too much longer..

...

this ones from the archives.

I drafted this post so long ago. I couldn't even tell you, exactly how old.. these thoughts are starting to mold-
in the crevices of
my brain.
...

the night seemed indecisive, as if even it couldn't decide how to feel. hot then cold. falling asleep to rain storms. what happened to the sunshine. it felt so good on my face this morning..
now

the lightning is illuminating the sky.. where's the deafening thunder?
this is the sort of storm I always get caught in. late night sudden showers. only thing to do is take off my shoes. barefooted, walking down the middle of the street.. ill let these two yellow lines led me home. but what i don't understand.. is why this rain is so cold.
...

waking up this morning, I hardly recognized the space I was in. it felt like my apartment but yet, it still felt as if I was in a dream. floating around, like a ghost. carelessly drifting .

I rearranged everything. for a year I felt like I was just living in the corners of empty spaces. dust bunnies & cobwebs. slowly I'm editing the clutter.
weeding out. and in a little while, you'll say "wow".
  you'll hardly recognize me at all.
--
I hope to god you don't recognize me.


          these ups and downs are getting old. who would've known this story endings already been told. the credits are rolling; and the audience has already gotten up to leave.
see? they all expected a twist ending. but all you gave them was a stereotypical played out ending.

girl likes boy.
boy likes girl.

but nothing ever lasts in this world.

soon:

girl falls for boy

boy lets her fall.

girl over thinks

&boy decides to stop taking her calls

the end: thats all.

so you see, please forgive me if i tread carefully. because this is hot water to thin ice
and im afraid i might just,

let myself drown,  if i let myself 

fall through the cracks

once more.

please dont try to save me. ive sealed my fate.

...