absence maks the heart grow fonder?

false statement.

if that were the case, people would never be forgotten. our memories wouldnt fade with time.. they would grow stronger; become more vibrant and detailed. the ghosts of people you once knew, wouldnt cross your mind from time to time; they would be etched in stone. permently.

sometimes i waver. most days-i want to be infamous,

have everyone remember my name..

i want to be paid, simply for being me.

but then again,

certain times, i just want to be forgotten.

i dont want anyone remembering all the time i wasted

all the mistakes i made

all the words i said

and the actions i did.

i don't want you to recognize me.

"isn't that, that one girl?"

'who?...'

"you know... that one girl.. whats her name?"

'maybe.. i don't know. i can hardly remember her face...'

 most days however, i just desire simplicity.

...

please dont leave me all alone; i cant answer all the questions forming in my head.

i'd pick up the phone, but i already know the other line is going to be dead.

"please leave a message after the tone..."

beep beep beep.

the monitar lets me know that my heart still keeps a beat..

but I am lost. I am vain.

I am clinically insane.

who i was, is not who i am.

I am unkempt.

I am in debt.

I am constantly struggling to pay the rent.

     I over think. probably over dress, even though i have no one i'm trying to impress..

its hard to focus. hard to breathe. hard to clearly see, the path set out in front of me..

...

i just want to play pretend. not be myself for a while...

like when little girls dress up in their mothers pearls and paint their cheeks with rouge.

or how teenage girls are afraid to be themselves so they buy abercrombie & fitch and try to fit in with the rest of the popular girls. 

.....

To Insure Prompt Service.

i had forgotten how good at this i am.

why did i ever doubt myself before?

there was no need to be nervous.

it all comes as a second nature to me..

& why not enjoy what you do? I'm so sick of the inaudible noise surrounding me. so much stress & complaining. cringing at the sound of your constant whining. ..

i dont need reminding.

.......

i should have told you what you meant to me. 

maybe then our ending would have played out differently.

sometimes, i have real trouble being comfortable with myself. maybe that's not the way i should phrase it..

i'm at such a lack of words. what i mean is, i'm completely content with my life and what i have, until i see someone else being better. its not that i'm bitter or even really envious of that other person.. maybe its just that i'm overly judgmental of myself and my surroundings. 

i don't mean to get this way. 

but it hurts a lot. and its hardly ever over things i can control either. 

it'd be different if i was envious of things within my reach, but alas this is what i find to be the most problematic. 

why is it that i only crave certain peoples attention after they've lost interest in my company? 90 percent of the time, i got bored of them first and fell out of contact on purpose. its just what i do. one of my secret bad habits.

it completely stresses me out. sometimes i cant help but obsess over it. the fact that this is the reality of things, and i can not change it..

i still remember how it was, i don't want to be reminded of how different & hard reality actually is. 

...

plus,

this all feels a little too intimate,

as if i was hiding in your closet, 

listening in on a conversation whispered between two lovers. 

such delicate words should only be spoken softly..

  barely an audible whisper.



 and i get it.

its not as if im completely oblivious to the facts.

you take such beautiful pictures, but i've never been picturesque.

you make such complex melodies, but i've never been a muse.

i just cant help but replay the minor details in my head: the ones that haven't faded away yet.

i want to believe i wont forget you. even though i'm completely aware i'm starting to slip from your memory.

 i can still remember.

almost as if it happened the other day, instead of a year ago.

walking in to the party, not knowing hardly anybody,

i was able to slip off to the side.

what i cant exactly remember, is who first caught the others eye?

because i wont lie. i noticed you right from the start.

i wonder when you noticed me..

eventually you made your way towards me,

but thats where the memory starts to get foggy..

 so it started.

              and it ended as fast as it began.

 now i'm left wondering, where the time went. 

some nights- when i stop to think about it, my heart still races.

stuck standing in place;  

i'm trapped somewhere between reality and dream.

"... if i blamed my past for my future, i'd be leaving out the most important part."

...

i have more to say on the subject,

but its just- i find myself at such a lost for words....