sunsets in reverse

are called sunrises.
have you watched the sky turn from royal purple, to deep ocean blue, into a tangerine sky?


it's been a long time since I've gone to bed so late & woken up so early. lately I just can't find comfort in sleep. dreamland can't take me to neverland; I need someone to teach me how to fly. faith. trust. and a little pixie dust.

I can't help but think of such odd memories at 5:30am. why is it your face keeps haunting me? reoccuring: i keep seeing you in my dreams.
I can still see the stars when I peer out of my window, but the birds have all begun to sing their morning wake-up songs. the morning news will be on soon. I really should be sleeping. besides the fact that I'll be extremely grouchy in the morning, really all this early-hour mind searching has me pondering things, that I think are better left in my deep subconscious sleep.

why is it any time someone shows slight interest in me, it gets me hooked? now don't get me wrong, there's plenty I've laughed off. or had to completely say NO to. but it's like I can't help but picture how things could be and this ends up having me think of what was in return.
but I get it. I'm usually just the fill in. the understudy. a pretty good back-up. someone to save for a rainy day...
you like me enough to have me sleepover, but I dont take priority enough to call before 11pm.
maybe if I didn't feel like such a jigsaw puzzle, I wouldn't always search for the hidden clue. is there a hidden message in these songs? or am I searching too hard? streaching too far? it just seems to me, a lot of these songs have a common theme. {what's the moral?}

it's going to have fun retaliating. but I thinkin im going to scrap edition #1: it just doesn't seem fitting anymore.

I'll just tuck it away, to que up in my personal playlist: soundtrack to my life.

" ... hope I really get to see thirty. wanna settle down; stop feeling so flirty. "



I secretly really wish I could find my old xanga. its got atleast two years worth of writing on it; back when i used to write all the time. if i remember most of its repeative, but good. thats when i first went through my angsty teen phase. cut my waist long hair, bleached it & started dying it with kool-aid. atleast 6 years ago. i feebly attempted to search for it. but maybe it's been deleted? to give room to others thoughts and pictures to accomply them.
i hope it's been deleted. I can't even remember feeling that way anymore.

the sky keeps getting lighter outside of my window. this is the point where I have to figure out if I'm past the point of no return. sleep now & be grugy or stay up, brew coffee and attempt to to something useful with the early morning light I've been gifted.
if only this headache would go away.

I have an admition: I know i've been dancing with bad influcences. but you all told me, to start playing with people my own age. I've found it incredibly dull, unless I take it to the point were my liver hates me in morning...
needless to say, I'm taking all 4 months until my birthday for pregaming...

you tell me you expect so much more. but what do you expect from twenty-one year olds? think about it. maybe I shouldve faked intellengence. I always preset the bar too high- if I had faked intellegence, then you wouldn't have known what to expect from me. i know its a total cop out, and id get bored too easily, but it'd be so much easier to go through the motions and half ass it.
I shouldn't be punished for not being as good as I was. I'm burning this candle at both ends. and for what do I have to show for it?


so please. don't let alcohol damange these braincells. I want to keep these memories. summers come early and I already have a hand full of good stories.
the boys hanging on to the back of manons car, while I drove and they rode their longboards. the first warm night of the year.
or coming home after two 13 hour days, back to back, just to get an unexpected rendez vous. drinking beers on the porch. relaxed. warm nights. carefree. too many laughs.
I'm definatly loving my porch. I made amy sit out there for a quick butt & a little sun. plus I sat there smoking while waiting for my ride the other night. just observing my surrounds. it felt like the whole neighborhood was out doing something... on sunday night, at quarter to elevin. just longboarding by. or walking the dog. or getting home from grocery shopping. normal Sunday errands. maybe I'm not the only night owl in this area.
but there I am smoking and my stomach drops. I knew it was him and I hadn't seen him in atleast two years.
--I find it alittle ironic that I wore my leather motorcycle jacket to work & they all asked were the bike was. all I could respond with was, "never even been on the back of one..." you didn't tell me that was the ride. or that'd I'd hesitantly agree. or that the brand new spare helmet would fit perfectly. no mention of how'd you'd take the highway; s-curve and all. passing everyone in sight.
I want another ride.


the sky is now the lightest shade of blue. forget me nots.
I'll start brewing the coffee.