public transit & mass publication

in hindsight i was soaring on such thin air; yet i threw all caution to the wind. they all warned me about the turbulence, but who was i to listen? I had my heads in the clouds.. & better yet, who were they to advise me?
not realizing eventually the storm clouds would swell, high winds and thunder threatened to shake me out of the sky.. and the only reasonable answer I had, was to try and sail over the storm. way above the impending outcome, even if I already suspected the odds were against me.

so it came as no surprise, when i came crashing down.

down. down. down.

the hard earth broke my fall.

paralized from the incident, the only thing i could do was watch the heavens above me. motionless.

i was destined to stay on the ground.

...

--ive been thinking of words lately.  the correct definition, and how society manipulates them. twists the word around, so that you can never truely know what the intention of the word meant in the first place.

hate: 

to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

2. to be unwilling; dislike

  –verb (used without object)

3. to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.

. –noun

4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.

5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

 

—Antonyms 1.  love.

i hate you. the fact that you're constaintly haunting my everyday life. i can not drive anywhere in my neighborhood, even up to the gas station to grab smokes, without passing by your apartment. i can not read through my news feed without finding you in there once (or twice). the fact that i reference you, without even thinking of it. i get anixous and annoyed, at the simple fact that i wish i were still relivent to your life. you used to call, now im not even sure we'd be able to talk, at all. would it be awkward? forced and strained? its as if i disappeared from your memory without even the slightest trace. but for me, i close my eyes and cant help but visulize your face. its torture. a nuisance.  

i hate it.

i resent it.

the fact that i didnt even want to fall for you. my friends all warned me not to. the very ones that you still talk to.

 

 ....

 

what have i become?

 

 

 

...

 

you're worrying me. but i know too well, this is just a cry for help. so how am i supposted to let you know? it gets easier with time. the wounds heal. hurtful words are forgotten. soon you wont even remember their face, let alone their names. i wish i could say it gets easier, but even now, i struggle just to push on. so please baby girl, know i'm not lying -when i tell you to just keep trying.

 

life will become worth living.

 

...

 

 

 

 

please dont look at me that way. i can read every word you want to say; as if  its written on your face. i havent slept for days. idling on empty, soon i will coast to a stop, and be forced to rest, whether i like it or not.

 

i look up at the sky, and try not to curse, when i cry out "why?" 

do you have a plan for me? i feel so insignificant. can you see me? with my palms together... i just said about five 'our fathers'

 "       lead us not into temption, but deliever us from evil....        "

 

............

 

 

this is border-line insanity. public humilation. social suicide.

you're on the side lines. not even trying to hide,

the smile on your face.

you knew i dont fit into place.

 

you pieced it back together, but left the extras on the floor. ones you no longer had room for.

discarded. with disregard to the warning label, stating "read the manual before operation"

 

...............

 

 

 

if i could find the words, i would let you all know:

 that night: i should have traveled the right path, not strayed left. those feelings are still there. left dorminate. when i listen to those old songs i still can hear you singing along. as if i were still in the front seat of your car, and i knew we werent going very far. when i think of your face i still get lost in the place, between reality & sleep. inception. i always find you in my dreams. 

i wish i were sixteen again.

 

....