counter clockwise.

drinking double brewed coffee on the rocks at 2:39 in the morning : sometimes my insomnia is self induced.
regardless its no use; i've grown custom to watching the sun come up.
...

today was gentle. the soft rain drops landing on my head. the kind you find youre almost able to dodge. getting caught in the crisp cool air, the breeze ruffeling my hair. the half moon was on my back, while i drove home.
i almost feel as if i can fein being content.


so tonight ill just settle down.
decompress. try not to stress as I lay down in bed. not a worry or care.
in my sea of blankets, I will drown.

..
how is it: that sometimes it feels like we take the backseat to our own lives.


who the hell is driving? and she's already called shot gun. plus all your baggage is taking up your entire backseat, sooo
where does that leave room for me?


..
don't forget to check the rearview mirror
objects are closer than they appear.

it isn't possible that all of this is a huge continuation of everything I've grown to miss...

how many fathoms deep did you repress it?
I don't think I have enough oxygen in my tank

 to dive into your depths,

plus the pressure alone may crush me;

subjected to a watery grave.

but say i do manage to travel down deep,
find the place were you decided to drown all the old memories
of you and me
how could i survive? the waters dark and murky.
i think im staring eye-to-eye, with a giant sea creature. the unknown.
your contradictions are suffocating me, like its tenticles wrapped around tight
breaking my ribs, making it so that there really was never a true fight. its hard to breathe. im struggling to see. impending darkness surrounds. deafening slience all around.
am i swimming towards the surface or the ground? no sense of direction; up or down.

...

&im so fucking jealous. and really... i'm trying to repress it. but the feeling keeps bubbling to the surface. trying to block it out- has no purpose.
its not like i want exactly what shes got...

i just wonder what exactly it is that im not

why cant that be me? effortlessly happy.

along with the cold, and the fact that im getting old,

 ive also grown custom, to the wind blowing people in and out of my life.

try as i might, to hold on

its obvious you're all moving on - to bigger and better things.

 

dont forget to write. and let me know: how truely fabulous is your new life?

are you happy enough to make her your wife?

dont forget to send me an invite to the reception,

because i wouldnt trust me at the wedding

what if i made a scene? when the pastor asked to "hold your peace" i dont think i could keep it in

these words have been swallowed too many times before.

like bile, itll come gushing from my throat.

...&i couldnt help it, if i got it everywhere. espically on her pure white dress.

itd be a mess. catastrophe.

 

...

 

why is it,

that the ones who hear me, misunderstand me.
and the ones who bother to listen, never hear correctly?

 

am i not conveying myself clearly?

might as well choke back my words, wash it down with these whiskey and cokes

 

 

 

i think im going to move to the west coast. leave all my troubles behind with my remorse.
find a life thats worthy to toast.

to the future and the unknown that it holds.

(i dont want to be anywhere that reminds me of your cold.)

...

 

what the fuck is wrong with my head? i cant even finish my sentences....

wORDSfAILmE

i am. perpetual doomed to be dependent on nicotine.
--maybe its just that I like the excuse to do something with my hands.

I just barred witness to either the sky ripping open, or the heavens sending down a warning.
a wrinkle in time.
because that was no lighting
I can clearly see the moon, slightly obstructed by deep violet clouds. and there hasnt been a single drop spilt from the sky.


or maybe this is war of the worlds, and the inexplicable cloud-to -cloud flash was the aliens being beamed down? [take me away.]

now am I just being paranoid? as I made my way home, I felt like I saw figures, creeping around corners as I turned down every street. silently disappearing; conveniently out of highlights reach.
and as I pull up to park- something moved from a corner spot. every hair on my neck stood straight up& my stomach became a knot.
who visited me on my porch step? silently lurking in the dark.
..

can you confess your sins and forgive others for their sins against you?



I snuck up my porch, silent. inserted my key- second nature at this point, and effortlessly opened the bottom door.
but as I turned to close it, dead bolt it from inside...
a grey cat streaked past; definate warning sign.
somethings in the air..
but my vision has been clouded. I can't tell what's there. I can just feel the impending doom: lingering in the air ...



---
I haven't had coherent train of thought in awhile .. I'm having troubles conveying my emotions correctly. or.maybe its just that recently I feel as if my emotions have betrayed me?
what have I let happen here?? I no longer have the same amount of.control I delusionally thought I.had.. and its making me mad.
or for.lack of a better word: self hate.
I don't want to think of the monster I've self-made.
when exactly did I.lose control? throw my hands in the air. fuck it.
I've got a death wish; I don't ever want to see old.


...
&&I've got this lingering taste in my mouth: whiskey and coke.
acid reflex. its burning my throat.
or maybe its all the words I choke back.
I hate not to react
exactly the way you expect me to be...

or else, who are you to me??...

....

I wish your writing was in a book: leather bound.
so I could sit down- with a large scotch on the rocks
& try to figure out, how your mind works
while time slips off the clock.

I could pull your book off the shelf. light up a clove cigarette & try to work the carefully constructed metaphors out over cup of coffee. ponder if any of it means something to me..
.... I'm not quite sure why.
... .

tonight,
i
won't
go
there.

..

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missed appointments.

maybe it was the lazy haze of the summer afternoon, or the fact that i had nothing particular to do,
so i hit the streets.
letting the yellow stripped streets pick my course.

& its almost as if you knew... my haphazard wandering would led me back to you.

i reached a fork, in the middle of the road. the most obvious decision, whether to go left or right..
it was such a simple choice.

...

what about the chase, made me think this was a race? I should learn to take patience, with such delicate situations like these ..

"I haven't talked to him since I went to see him.."

"why...what did you wear?"

i wish the answer were that simple. why must you force me to double think? replay our conversation. ponder were exactly



...
i told my mom not to buy me a
birthday present today..
i hope she listens.

i know they can't afford it.

Please let me get something right.
just this once.
please?

....... I don't understand the complexity of the universe. why am I here? can you answer that, first? something led me here. and its possible that YOU are my greatest fear. #inebriated. down my fears with a couple of beers. wake up in the morning ; "what the fuck happened here?" ..... why.can't I.post something coherent? these shots help.me voice the things I think of, without choice ... you haunt my dreams. even when I can't sleep ... I can hear the train. if only it knew... it'd be de-railed .. remember when you flattened that nickle? its hot like that, but happened quicker .. or has it taken... an eternity? time seems to slip my mind lately ... constantly ... . .... fuck. what did I say? ill deny it, in the light of day

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permanent markers.

i like to be alone, but i hate to be lonely.

i sorta wish you'd take a moment;  get to know me.
because i feel static.
           add a variable, so i can add and subtract it. is the out come divisible by two? because i can't seem to shake this feeling of wanting to get closer to you..
..

&he said "what's yo sign?" but it wasn't a line.

so when you look up at the stars tonight, do you hear the messages written in the sky?
i'm searching for a valid reason,  so give me a sign.
isn't this worth trying..

and if we're solving mysteries, please explain, how talking for hours happened effortlessly. this occurred naturally.

...

" got a problem with me? fix it. think I'm tripping? tie my shoes. can't stand me? so sit down. don't want to face me? then turn around. "

but I dont know where I gained the sudden boost of confidence from.
feels like I've been pumped full of energy & performance-enhancing drugs.

up up and away & i wont come down. head so high in the sky, i cant see the ground. the view's foggy when        its obstructed with clouds.

                                                        vertigo; such weightless             

shouldn't be allowed..

but ive never found a voice that was loud
enough.

knitting needles.

this is about men and thieves.
this is about wolves and sheep.
this is about the difference between
you and me.

[try to understand. its difficult for me to put in words.]

one without the other, is just no good. each one needs its counterpart, to define them. each one needs someone who's consistently trying to unwind them.

however, lately i feel as if I've been left unraveled on the floor. its no use anymore. the tangles and knots, are just too tight. the frustration that insues, is enough
that everyone who ends up trying, gives up. it seems fit & right..
I guess I've never really been worth the fight.

don't worry. I'm content being left a mess: a huge heap of strings on the floor.

...
sometimes I feel myself fading. drifting along. disappearing.
I know I don't belong. there's no need for you to play the old songs. I don't know these words, I can't sing along.
these melodies seem vaguely familiar. the bass line mimics my heart. beating against my rib cage, it becomes entangled in the sound. can you hear it? it seems so loud.
drowning out the words screamed from you mouth.
... I feel like the ghost of your past life. just here to remind you of the time.

...
why does this feel so comfortable? why is it that you seem to linger on my mind? how did you seem to play with the time? warp it. manipulated so that it speeds up & slows down, at will?
how is it that I find myself here?
vertigo. I feel lost in deep space. or put in a trance.


yo no se.

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apeirophobia

fear of infinity.

 

& theres no end in sight. even if i try, with all my might. its been so long: no use holding on. you're already gone.
slipping from my recollection, like a distant dream.
so now our only visits, are when i drift into          sleep. 

but even then, im being decieved. i try so hard, for those distant memories to be retrieved.

but when i go into my memory bank, its like grasping air.

i used to remember the sound of your voice, so loud

raspy by the end of the day, from serenading the crowds

& even when i wasnt looking- i could feel your gaze
now i'm just vapor; part of the haze.

mnemophobia: fear of memories.

                                                                 ..... 



its the most bizarre sensation: feeling as if you cant breathe. taking a deep breath in, but theres no room for the oxygen..
your chest feels tight. your blood starts pumping faster. you try to breathe deep & slow, filling your lungs.
                        but its just no use. everything feels shallow.  this may be your last breath.

feels like drowning, in reverse.

...
in your pictures, you're smiling
-but are you happy?
i hate to be conceided, but
are you doing this despite me?

like you knew id be looking,
so you put up a false front...
but what are you hiding?
            and who are you hiding from?

[really. i just hope you're happy.]

athazagoraphobia:  fear of being forgotten or ignored

....

i really dont want to sleep, but my bodys slowly starting to fail me.
i've really been having troubles dreaming.

everything feels static.
grey fuzz. inaudible noise
surrounds, and drowns out any words you mutter

from your lips.

howd you get here? somehow you've just reappeared

as if you knew,

i was letting go.                            

oneirophobia:  fear of dreams.

...

you are the bad habit, i will never learn to quit.

stygiophobia. 

public transit & mass publication

in hindsight i was soaring on such thin air; yet i threw all caution to the wind. they all warned me about the turbulence, but who was i to listen? I had my heads in the clouds.. & better yet, who were they to advise me?
not realizing eventually the storm clouds would swell, high winds and thunder threatened to shake me out of the sky.. and the only reasonable answer I had, was to try and sail over the storm. way above the impending outcome, even if I already suspected the odds were against me.

so it came as no surprise, when i came crashing down.

down. down. down.

the hard earth broke my fall.

paralized from the incident, the only thing i could do was watch the heavens above me. motionless.

i was destined to stay on the ground.

...

--ive been thinking of words lately.  the correct definition, and how society manipulates them. twists the word around, so that you can never truely know what the intention of the word meant in the first place.

hate: 

to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

2. to be unwilling; dislike

  –verb (used without object)

3. to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.

. –noun

4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.

5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

 

—Antonyms 1.  love.

i hate you. the fact that you're constaintly haunting my everyday life. i can not drive anywhere in my neighborhood, even up to the gas station to grab smokes, without passing by your apartment. i can not read through my news feed without finding you in there once (or twice). the fact that i reference you, without even thinking of it. i get anixous and annoyed, at the simple fact that i wish i were still relivent to your life. you used to call, now im not even sure we'd be able to talk, at all. would it be awkward? forced and strained? its as if i disappeared from your memory without even the slightest trace. but for me, i close my eyes and cant help but visulize your face. its torture. a nuisance.  

i hate it.

i resent it.

the fact that i didnt even want to fall for you. my friends all warned me not to. the very ones that you still talk to.

 

 ....

 

what have i become?

 

 

 

...

 

you're worrying me. but i know too well, this is just a cry for help. so how am i supposted to let you know? it gets easier with time. the wounds heal. hurtful words are forgotten. soon you wont even remember their face, let alone their names. i wish i could say it gets easier, but even now, i struggle just to push on. so please baby girl, know i'm not lying -when i tell you to just keep trying.

 

life will become worth living.

 

...

 

 

 

 

please dont look at me that way. i can read every word you want to say; as if  its written on your face. i havent slept for days. idling on empty, soon i will coast to a stop, and be forced to rest, whether i like it or not.

 

i look up at the sky, and try not to curse, when i cry out "why?" 

do you have a plan for me? i feel so insignificant. can you see me? with my palms together... i just said about five 'our fathers'

 "       lead us not into temption, but deliever us from evil....        "

 

............

 

 

this is border-line insanity. public humilation. social suicide.

you're on the side lines. not even trying to hide,

the smile on your face.

you knew i dont fit into place.

 

you pieced it back together, but left the extras on the floor. ones you no longer had room for.

discarded. with disregard to the warning label, stating "read the manual before operation"

 

...............

 

 

 

if i could find the words, i would let you all know:

 that night: i should have traveled the right path, not strayed left. those feelings are still there. left dorminate. when i listen to those old songs i still can hear you singing along. as if i were still in the front seat of your car, and i knew we werent going very far. when i think of your face i still get lost in the place, between reality & sleep. inception. i always find you in my dreams. 

i wish i were sixteen again.

 

....