absence maks the heart grow fonder?

false statement.

if that were the case, people would never be forgotten. our memories wouldnt fade with time.. they would grow stronger; become more vibrant and detailed. the ghosts of people you once knew, wouldnt cross your mind from time to time; they would be etched in stone. permently.

sometimes i waver. most days-i want to be infamous,

have everyone remember my name..

i want to be paid, simply for being me.

but then again,

certain times, i just want to be forgotten.

i dont want anyone remembering all the time i wasted

all the mistakes i made

all the words i said

and the actions i did.

i don't want you to recognize me.

"isn't that, that one girl?"

'who?...'

"you know... that one girl.. whats her name?"

'maybe.. i don't know. i can hardly remember her face...'

 most days however, i just desire simplicity.

...

please dont leave me all alone; i cant answer all the questions forming in my head.

i'd pick up the phone, but i already know the other line is going to be dead.

"please leave a message after the tone..."

beep beep beep.

the monitar lets me know that my heart still keeps a beat..

but I am lost. I am vain.

I am clinically insane.

who i was, is not who i am.

I am unkempt.

I am in debt.

I am constantly struggling to pay the rent.

     I over think. probably over dress, even though i have no one i'm trying to impress..

its hard to focus. hard to breathe. hard to clearly see, the path set out in front of me..

...

i just want to play pretend. not be myself for a while...

like when little girls dress up in their mothers pearls and paint their cheeks with rouge.

or how teenage girls are afraid to be themselves so they buy abercrombie & fitch and try to fit in with the rest of the popular girls. 

.....

To Insure Prompt Service.

i had forgotten how good at this i am.

why did i ever doubt myself before?

there was no need to be nervous.

it all comes as a second nature to me..

& why not enjoy what you do? I'm so sick of the inaudible noise surrounding me. so much stress & complaining. cringing at the sound of your constant whining. ..

i dont need reminding.

.......

i should have told you what you meant to me. 

maybe then our ending would have played out differently.

sometimes, i have real trouble being comfortable with myself. maybe that's not the way i should phrase it..

i'm at such a lack of words. what i mean is, i'm completely content with my life and what i have, until i see someone else being better. its not that i'm bitter or even really envious of that other person.. maybe its just that i'm overly judgmental of myself and my surroundings. 

i don't mean to get this way. 

but it hurts a lot. and its hardly ever over things i can control either. 

it'd be different if i was envious of things within my reach, but alas this is what i find to be the most problematic. 

why is it that i only crave certain peoples attention after they've lost interest in my company? 90 percent of the time, i got bored of them first and fell out of contact on purpose. its just what i do. one of my secret bad habits.

it completely stresses me out. sometimes i cant help but obsess over it. the fact that this is the reality of things, and i can not change it..

i still remember how it was, i don't want to be reminded of how different & hard reality actually is. 

...

plus,

this all feels a little too intimate,

as if i was hiding in your closet, 

listening in on a conversation whispered between two lovers. 

such delicate words should only be spoken softly..

  barely an audible whisper.



 and i get it.

its not as if im completely oblivious to the facts.

you take such beautiful pictures, but i've never been picturesque.

you make such complex melodies, but i've never been a muse.

i just cant help but replay the minor details in my head: the ones that haven't faded away yet.

i want to believe i wont forget you. even though i'm completely aware i'm starting to slip from your memory.

 i can still remember.

almost as if it happened the other day, instead of a year ago.

walking in to the party, not knowing hardly anybody,

i was able to slip off to the side.

what i cant exactly remember, is who first caught the others eye?

because i wont lie. i noticed you right from the start.

i wonder when you noticed me..

eventually you made your way towards me,

but thats where the memory starts to get foggy..

 so it started.

              and it ended as fast as it began.

 now i'm left wondering, where the time went. 

some nights- when i stop to think about it, my heart still races.

stuck standing in place;  

i'm trapped somewhere between reality and dream.

"... if i blamed my past for my future, i'd be leaving out the most important part."

...

i have more to say on the subject,

but its just- i find myself at such a lost for words....

insanity:

doing the same thing & expecting different results.

if your're not happy with where you are,

choose a different route

maybe getting lost, will help you break out of this rut 

you've boxed yourself into.

" i dont really wanna grind anymore
cause the stress be killin' me

&i dont wanna be broke no more
cause they cant reconize dope no more.

i gotta do me;; i just wanna do me. "

im very excited for this new opportunity. 

new people. new places. a chance to be new. 

please dont let this blow up in my face.

i dont think i could handle that again.

lately ive been so on edge. everything sets me off, internally. i'm struggling not to let it show. i used to have such a strong front. now i feel like my emotions show right through, as if my mood was written all over my face.. 

it makes me feel so weak.

 

...

my mom told me today, not to give up on her. i'm finding it so difficult.   i feel like im staring at a ghost. you're so distant with me.

and there are no words 

to describe the emotions that bubble to the surface

i just need to remember to make every moment worth it.

what if you dont wake up tomorrow?

i have so many words that ive let go unsaid

there are so many people that ive let influence my head

and i know i should appricate each and every day

but im finding it more difficult to get out of bed.

i just want to curl up in this sea of blankets and stay

until the night sky comes out once more,

morphing from day

into moon light. 

a majority of the stars we see in the sky are burnt out, but their beauty is still appreciated

even after they're gone.

im feelin starry eyed.

....

this is the sort of situation where drunk dialing seems appropriate.

i cant spell it out for you,

i need to just accidently let it slip...

 ...

you'd think after 5 years i would have learned to let go...

& i suppose, i should've known
what was waiting around the bend

  [i didn't know that kindness was fleeting; i didn't know that soft could go hard.]

  i bet you wonder at the words in your mouth. i bet you wonder at the sound.

 we break the promise,
and we take it back
we move in silence- this is the end, 

the end,

the end.

we try. we fail. we crawl. we let the pieces fall where they may, & the picture fades.

so go on and break my heart
it's always been caught off guard
in the end, there is nothing left to save

and the secrets you keep under your tongue
are turning two into no one.

....

 

am i supposted to have faith? that eventually eveything with work out ok. humanity has shown me, one time too many, that almost everything is your immortal enemy.

so why dive in and let the currant take me?

flying so high, inevibitly we will come crashing down.

feeling weight less before we hit the ground.

i dont want to risk it. it seems too naive of a mistake. i like what we have, no need for any extra steps we need to take..

and while you're so busy speeding along ahead of me,

dont second guess if it, if i drown in your wake.

really, this force drama was just a little too much to take. 

and i cant fake strength too much longer..

...

this ones from the archives.

I drafted this post so long ago. I couldn't even tell you, exactly how old.. these thoughts are starting to mold-
in the crevices of
my brain.
...

the night seemed indecisive, as if even it couldn't decide how to feel. hot then cold. falling asleep to rain storms. what happened to the sunshine. it felt so good on my face this morning..
now

the lightning is illuminating the sky.. where's the deafening thunder?
this is the sort of storm I always get caught in. late night sudden showers. only thing to do is take off my shoes. barefooted, walking down the middle of the street.. ill let these two yellow lines led me home. but what i don't understand.. is why this rain is so cold.
...

waking up this morning, I hardly recognized the space I was in. it felt like my apartment but yet, it still felt as if I was in a dream. floating around, like a ghost. carelessly drifting .

I rearranged everything. for a year I felt like I was just living in the corners of empty spaces. dust bunnies & cobwebs. slowly I'm editing the clutter.
weeding out. and in a little while, you'll say "wow".
  you'll hardly recognize me at all.
--
I hope to god you don't recognize me.


          these ups and downs are getting old. who would've known this story endings already been told. the credits are rolling; and the audience has already gotten up to leave.
see? they all expected a twist ending. but all you gave them was a stereotypical played out ending.

girl likes boy.
boy likes girl.

but nothing ever lasts in this world.

soon:

girl falls for boy

boy lets her fall.

girl over thinks

&boy decides to stop taking her calls

the end: thats all.

so you see, please forgive me if i tread carefully. because this is hot water to thin ice
and im afraid i might just,

let myself drown,  if i let myself 

fall through the cracks

once more.

please dont try to save me. ive sealed my fate.

...

counter clockwise.

drinking double brewed coffee on the rocks at 2:39 in the morning : sometimes my insomnia is self induced.
regardless its no use; i've grown custom to watching the sun come up.
...

today was gentle. the soft rain drops landing on my head. the kind you find youre almost able to dodge. getting caught in the crisp cool air, the breeze ruffeling my hair. the half moon was on my back, while i drove home.
i almost feel as if i can fein being content.


so tonight ill just settle down.
decompress. try not to stress as I lay down in bed. not a worry or care.
in my sea of blankets, I will drown.

..
how is it: that sometimes it feels like we take the backseat to our own lives.


who the hell is driving? and she's already called shot gun. plus all your baggage is taking up your entire backseat, sooo
where does that leave room for me?


..
don't forget to check the rearview mirror
objects are closer than they appear.

it isn't possible that all of this is a huge continuation of everything I've grown to miss...

how many fathoms deep did you repress it?
I don't think I have enough oxygen in my tank

 to dive into your depths,

plus the pressure alone may crush me;

subjected to a watery grave.

but say i do manage to travel down deep,
find the place were you decided to drown all the old memories
of you and me
how could i survive? the waters dark and murky.
i think im staring eye-to-eye, with a giant sea creature. the unknown.
your contradictions are suffocating me, like its tenticles wrapped around tight
breaking my ribs, making it so that there really was never a true fight. its hard to breathe. im struggling to see. impending darkness surrounds. deafening slience all around.
am i swimming towards the surface or the ground? no sense of direction; up or down.

...

&im so fucking jealous. and really... i'm trying to repress it. but the feeling keeps bubbling to the surface. trying to block it out- has no purpose.
its not like i want exactly what shes got...

i just wonder what exactly it is that im not

why cant that be me? effortlessly happy.

along with the cold, and the fact that im getting old,

 ive also grown custom, to the wind blowing people in and out of my life.

try as i might, to hold on

its obvious you're all moving on - to bigger and better things.

 

dont forget to write. and let me know: how truely fabulous is your new life?

are you happy enough to make her your wife?

dont forget to send me an invite to the reception,

because i wouldnt trust me at the wedding

what if i made a scene? when the pastor asked to "hold your peace" i dont think i could keep it in

these words have been swallowed too many times before.

like bile, itll come gushing from my throat.

...&i couldnt help it, if i got it everywhere. espically on her pure white dress.

itd be a mess. catastrophe.

 

...

 

why is it,

that the ones who hear me, misunderstand me.
and the ones who bother to listen, never hear correctly?

 

am i not conveying myself clearly?

might as well choke back my words, wash it down with these whiskey and cokes

 

 

 

i think im going to move to the west coast. leave all my troubles behind with my remorse.
find a life thats worthy to toast.

to the future and the unknown that it holds.

(i dont want to be anywhere that reminds me of your cold.)

...

 

what the fuck is wrong with my head? i cant even finish my sentences....

wORDSfAILmE

i am. perpetual doomed to be dependent on nicotine.
--maybe its just that I like the excuse to do something with my hands.

I just barred witness to either the sky ripping open, or the heavens sending down a warning.
a wrinkle in time.
because that was no lighting
I can clearly see the moon, slightly obstructed by deep violet clouds. and there hasnt been a single drop spilt from the sky.


or maybe this is war of the worlds, and the inexplicable cloud-to -cloud flash was the aliens being beamed down? [take me away.]

now am I just being paranoid? as I made my way home, I felt like I saw figures, creeping around corners as I turned down every street. silently disappearing; conveniently out of highlights reach.
and as I pull up to park- something moved from a corner spot. every hair on my neck stood straight up& my stomach became a knot.
who visited me on my porch step? silently lurking in the dark.
..

can you confess your sins and forgive others for their sins against you?



I snuck up my porch, silent. inserted my key- second nature at this point, and effortlessly opened the bottom door.
but as I turned to close it, dead bolt it from inside...
a grey cat streaked past; definate warning sign.
somethings in the air..
but my vision has been clouded. I can't tell what's there. I can just feel the impending doom: lingering in the air ...



---
I haven't had coherent train of thought in awhile .. I'm having troubles conveying my emotions correctly. or.maybe its just that recently I feel as if my emotions have betrayed me?
what have I let happen here?? I no longer have the same amount of.control I delusionally thought I.had.. and its making me mad.
or for.lack of a better word: self hate.
I don't want to think of the monster I've self-made.
when exactly did I.lose control? throw my hands in the air. fuck it.
I've got a death wish; I don't ever want to see old.


...
&&I've got this lingering taste in my mouth: whiskey and coke.
acid reflex. its burning my throat.
or maybe its all the words I choke back.
I hate not to react
exactly the way you expect me to be...

or else, who are you to me??...

....

I wish your writing was in a book: leather bound.
so I could sit down- with a large scotch on the rocks
& try to figure out, how your mind works
while time slips off the clock.

I could pull your book off the shelf. light up a clove cigarette & try to work the carefully constructed metaphors out over cup of coffee. ponder if any of it means something to me..
.... I'm not quite sure why.
... .

tonight,
i
won't
go
there.

..

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missed appointments.

maybe it was the lazy haze of the summer afternoon, or the fact that i had nothing particular to do,
so i hit the streets.
letting the yellow stripped streets pick my course.

& its almost as if you knew... my haphazard wandering would led me back to you.

i reached a fork, in the middle of the road. the most obvious decision, whether to go left or right..
it was such a simple choice.

...

what about the chase, made me think this was a race? I should learn to take patience, with such delicate situations like these ..

"I haven't talked to him since I went to see him.."

"why...what did you wear?"

i wish the answer were that simple. why must you force me to double think? replay our conversation. ponder were exactly



...
i told my mom not to buy me a
birthday present today..
i hope she listens.

i know they can't afford it.

Please let me get something right.
just this once.
please?

....... I don't understand the complexity of the universe. why am I here? can you answer that, first? something led me here. and its possible that YOU are my greatest fear. #inebriated. down my fears with a couple of beers. wake up in the morning ; "what the fuck happened here?" ..... why.can't I.post something coherent? these shots help.me voice the things I think of, without choice ... you haunt my dreams. even when I can't sleep ... I can hear the train. if only it knew... it'd be de-railed .. remember when you flattened that nickle? its hot like that, but happened quicker .. or has it taken... an eternity? time seems to slip my mind lately ... constantly ... . .... fuck. what did I say? ill deny it, in the light of day

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permanent markers.

i like to be alone, but i hate to be lonely.

i sorta wish you'd take a moment;  get to know me.
because i feel static.
           add a variable, so i can add and subtract it. is the out come divisible by two? because i can't seem to shake this feeling of wanting to get closer to you..
..

&he said "what's yo sign?" but it wasn't a line.

so when you look up at the stars tonight, do you hear the messages written in the sky?
i'm searching for a valid reason,  so give me a sign.
isn't this worth trying..

and if we're solving mysteries, please explain, how talking for hours happened effortlessly. this occurred naturally.

...

" got a problem with me? fix it. think I'm tripping? tie my shoes. can't stand me? so sit down. don't want to face me? then turn around. "

but I dont know where I gained the sudden boost of confidence from.
feels like I've been pumped full of energy & performance-enhancing drugs.

up up and away & i wont come down. head so high in the sky, i cant see the ground. the view's foggy when        its obstructed with clouds.

                                                        vertigo; such weightless             

shouldn't be allowed..

but ive never found a voice that was loud
enough.