the desire to drive,

and escape for a day was hard to decline. I know I need the money but when I woke up && saw the sun, i knew i wanted to own the day. so when worked called 14 minutes later, I took it as a sign. I just bought myself a summer day. best $20 ill spend all day.

have you ever taken 131 north, all the way? I never had- until today. "where are we?"
"...I don't know."
"well..JUST KEEP GOING!" [so we did.]
and miraculously we found our way home..6 hours later.
...

I wrote that a few days ago. now the news seems old. tart. I've been so blah lately. its so hard to remember names, when faces keep changing..
I've completely thrown my sleep pattern out of wack. its so hard to not sleep away the day. I love the sun; I just don't want to deal with it today.
"every time. the moon shines, I become alive."



..I thought id have something insightful to say..
I thought id do something better to monument this day. one whole year.
I thought somehow id feel different.
I thought maybe someoned call. I thought maybe I wouldn't bother thinking about it, at all.
but for today, I decided I'm probably not strong enough.
..one day, ill be able to revisualize it. describe in beauty, the grotesque situations I somehow had dug myself a hole into. how was i to know? there would be two sides of you. somehow you blinded me. dazed and confused. all spun up in the delicate web you had spun; complex fucked up mind games designed so that I could never have won. these memories aren't fun.
repress&forget. eventually, that will make one hell of a story..



the tissue is too thick. the scars run too deep. surgically removing, is the only technique.



P.S. I'm really bad at this.

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