apeirophobia

fear of infinity.

 

& theres no end in sight. even if i try, with all my might. its been so long: no use holding on. you're already gone.
slipping from my recollection, like a distant dream.
so now our only visits, are when i drift into          sleep. 

but even then, im being decieved. i try so hard, for those distant memories to be retrieved.

but when i go into my memory bank, its like grasping air.

i used to remember the sound of your voice, so loud

raspy by the end of the day, from serenading the crowds

& even when i wasnt looking- i could feel your gaze
now i'm just vapor; part of the haze.

mnemophobia: fear of memories.

                                                                 ..... 



its the most bizarre sensation: feeling as if you cant breathe. taking a deep breath in, but theres no room for the oxygen..
your chest feels tight. your blood starts pumping faster. you try to breathe deep & slow, filling your lungs.
                        but its just no use. everything feels shallow.  this may be your last breath.

feels like drowning, in reverse.

...
in your pictures, you're smiling
-but are you happy?
i hate to be conceided, but
are you doing this despite me?

like you knew id be looking,
so you put up a false front...
but what are you hiding?
            and who are you hiding from?

[really. i just hope you're happy.]

athazagoraphobia:  fear of being forgotten or ignored

....

i really dont want to sleep, but my bodys slowly starting to fail me.
i've really been having troubles dreaming.

everything feels static.
grey fuzz. inaudible noise
surrounds, and drowns out any words you mutter

from your lips.

howd you get here? somehow you've just reappeared

as if you knew,

i was letting go.                            

oneirophobia:  fear of dreams.

...

you are the bad habit, i will never learn to quit.

stygiophobia. 

public transit & mass publication

in hindsight i was soaring on such thin air; yet i threw all caution to the wind. they all warned me about the turbulence, but who was i to listen? I had my heads in the clouds.. & better yet, who were they to advise me?
not realizing eventually the storm clouds would swell, high winds and thunder threatened to shake me out of the sky.. and the only reasonable answer I had, was to try and sail over the storm. way above the impending outcome, even if I already suspected the odds were against me.

so it came as no surprise, when i came crashing down.

down. down. down.

the hard earth broke my fall.

paralized from the incident, the only thing i could do was watch the heavens above me. motionless.

i was destined to stay on the ground.

...

--ive been thinking of words lately.  the correct definition, and how society manipulates them. twists the word around, so that you can never truely know what the intention of the word meant in the first place.

hate: 

to dislike intensely or passionately; feel extreme aversion for or extreme hostility toward; detest

2. to be unwilling; dislike

  –verb (used without object)

3. to feel intense dislike, or extreme aversion or hostility.

. –noun

4. intense dislike; extreme aversion or hostility.

5. the object of extreme aversion or hostility.

 

—Antonyms 1.  love.

i hate you. the fact that you're constaintly haunting my everyday life. i can not drive anywhere in my neighborhood, even up to the gas station to grab smokes, without passing by your apartment. i can not read through my news feed without finding you in there once (or twice). the fact that i reference you, without even thinking of it. i get anixous and annoyed, at the simple fact that i wish i were still relivent to your life. you used to call, now im not even sure we'd be able to talk, at all. would it be awkward? forced and strained? its as if i disappeared from your memory without even the slightest trace. but for me, i close my eyes and cant help but visulize your face. its torture. a nuisance.  

i hate it.

i resent it.

the fact that i didnt even want to fall for you. my friends all warned me not to. the very ones that you still talk to.

 

 ....

 

what have i become?

 

 

 

...

 

you're worrying me. but i know too well, this is just a cry for help. so how am i supposted to let you know? it gets easier with time. the wounds heal. hurtful words are forgotten. soon you wont even remember their face, let alone their names. i wish i could say it gets easier, but even now, i struggle just to push on. so please baby girl, know i'm not lying -when i tell you to just keep trying.

 

life will become worth living.

 

...

 

 

 

 

please dont look at me that way. i can read every word you want to say; as if  its written on your face. i havent slept for days. idling on empty, soon i will coast to a stop, and be forced to rest, whether i like it or not.

 

i look up at the sky, and try not to curse, when i cry out "why?" 

do you have a plan for me? i feel so insignificant. can you see me? with my palms together... i just said about five 'our fathers'

 "       lead us not into temption, but deliever us from evil....        "

 

............

 

 

this is border-line insanity. public humilation. social suicide.

you're on the side lines. not even trying to hide,

the smile on your face.

you knew i dont fit into place.

 

you pieced it back together, but left the extras on the floor. ones you no longer had room for.

discarded. with disregard to the warning label, stating "read the manual before operation"

 

...............

 

 

 

if i could find the words, i would let you all know:

 that night: i should have traveled the right path, not strayed left. those feelings are still there. left dorminate. when i listen to those old songs i still can hear you singing along. as if i were still in the front seat of your car, and i knew we werent going very far. when i think of your face i still get lost in the place, between reality & sleep. inception. i always find you in my dreams. 

i wish i were sixteen again.

 

....

 

 

vertigo.

it blew in with the rain storm. at first, it was soft. in fact, she liked the gentle drops of rain on her face. had she known it was going to be tornado session, she wouldve brought an umbrella. swept up like dorthy in the cyclon. are we headed towards oz?
there is no yellow brick road. this one is paved with personal regrets, and second glances from strangers on the train.
-----
-- -

today, i felt like all lines of communication have been tied up. no ones on the recieving end. ring. ring. ring.
are you there? its me, paige. i know you dont have the time to waste, listening to what i have to say.. its just lately i've been having such hard luck. its been a bad day.
& all i needed was a friendly reminder, or maybe just a reply- something to remind myself; there is a reason to try.

i guess it finally hit me this weekend: i am truely lonely.

solely, i am responsible for myself. i am alone in my actions.
i have no one waiting for me to get home.


working second shift has made my caffine addiction so much worse. brewing strong ass coffee at 9pm at work, just to waste the time, and give me enough energy to stay alert until midnight, when my relief comes in.
only problem is, once i arrive home- alone, i'm left with just my thoughts and star trek reruns to fill the slience until bordem finally makes me drowsy..

the steady flicker of light from the tv screen, is hypnotizing. this amount of caffine, mixed with lack of sleep is slowly but surely eatting away at me.

&&i thought i was doing good at this new job.

turns out im failing at this too.

i'm not having a good day.
i dont have anyone to talk to.

wheres your head? [always in the clouds]

"some people say: that I'm not worth it. i've made mistakes but nobody's perfect..
I guess ill give it a try. I've only got one last chance to get myself together. I can't waste more time; its now or never. and I try to remember
who I used to be."

I don't wanna be misunderstood. I try my best to be good.
see the influence you have over me?

this bud light tastes weak. leaves a bad taste in my mouth.. just like your double-speak. a weak substitution. what's the story this time? which over used excuse will you use?
...
I feel so stitched together. haphazardly thrown together. you're tugging at the seams. pulling loose threads.

I feel outdated. placed in the garage sale pile when you did your spring cleaning.
outgrown. out of style. over-priced then slashed: left out on the clearance rack.

like a shirt you bought once but decided it didn't fit you right..

don't you have room in the back of your closet? I deserve to be hung up at least.
.....
i may just be paranoid, but I cant but notice certain things. how much his name comes out of your mouth is concern number one.
I'm adding things up and the numbers don't match up. to tell you the truth, I'm not even sure which variable to solve for.
do you have a girlfriend or an X?
..


"you make so much noise but for who?"
you asked. but are you prepared for the truth?

cause white walls are surrounding all of us. doctor? help me please. call nine. one. one.

dear god. can you hear me now?
--guess not.
shouting out to god. but he can't hear us; its way too loud.

I really wanna get a new tattoo.
your words had such an impact on me. it makes sense to get some done permanently.

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it blew in with the wind.

today was one for the books. this is where I admit I've been taking notes at work. at first I thought id try to take a second and write down helpful hints & tricks of the trade. answers I overhear and inevitably will have to repeat back to a customer..
however, what its really become is my diary for social commentary. people watching is so interesting. everyone with their different stories. I'm listening.
4pm until midnight is a pretty unique shift.. I haven't experienced anything incredibly juicy, but no doubts its coming. today I made mention of who I called cabs for and which parts of grand rapids people asked for.
is it boring I find that sort of thing kind of interesting? ..


nights like these, I have to steal a second. breathe. i feel something in the air, while i take a moment to inhale my nicotine. then suddenly, as if with the gust of wind, came a distant memory. what is it about this time. I try really hard to remember,
your life is so much better without me..

but sometimes when it's late at night, i do miss talking with you on my parents home phone. it'd be real late. remember? &sometimes you'd have to pretend we weren't on the phone.
id have my music playing a little too loudly, so our words seemed muffled through the walls..
sometimes words weren't needed at all and the conversation never lacked, even when silence fell. back then, I could've sworn I knew what you were going to say. …

… what can I say? coulda. woulda. shoulda.
so many words I found too late
...

I'm not sure how I feel about yesterday. or was it 48 hours ago? I feel like my soul has melted and is proceeding to come out of these headphones.
I feel comfortable, yet way too strained. I'm trying so hard to bite my tongue. sorry for the complaints .


..I jotted down in the corner of my work-notes today: find $ for fun things like cute high lighters & sweater vests.



" as mortals, we are nothing but mere shadows and dust..."

published while under the influence of too much coffee and not enough sleep.

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brick walls.

its difficult knowing which direction youve been heading, when you haven't bothered looking in your rear-view mirror.
blindly finding myself following every detour, is an easy way to lose myself fast. and there's no way I'm turning around.. I hate to back track.
..

saturday morning television makes me feel bad about myself. correction: not myself, but the entire world itself. every commercial is an infomercial.. and
every other commercial is a PSA. i need to save the whales- or the sand crabs: which are slowly declining in population along California's coast, apparently.
so far I've been subjected to feeling guilty about: going green. portion control. buying what I need & not what I want. helping others. harmful chemicals. abandoned puppies. travel. time management.

well guess what morning tv! I'm too fucking busy trying to save myself. sorry sand crab. I take the bus nearly everyday. being a broke ass makes you go green. &it costs $3 to take the bus so I can't be buying things I want, when I barely scrape money together for things I need. plus I can't manage time to travel & see the world, when I'm busy working all day- huffing harmful chemicals into my lungs.

..
it looks like I'm going to have to do this on my own.
"...part of being an adult. "

and now I'm staring down the barrel, of the gun pointed in my face. I'm screaming for you to pull the trigger.
waiting for the metallic click.
..

constantly flipping through my phone: I have so many numbers, yet there's no one to call. Im still embarrassed that I called you for help the other day. what did I expect? obviously you're busy with your own life.
stupid subconscious. [i needed to be saved.] your face came to mind. my bad.


...
its like you keep digging holes, trying to fill in the ones you've already created. you are aware you're just getting deeper, right?
…

by now I should come to grips with the fact that I'm just smoking this cigarette so that I have something to do with my hands.
my days never go the way I planned. I wish I could just stand & let time
idely pass by me.


I need some motivation. I feel myself going braindead. today I really have no reason to get out of bed.
I really can't sleep. its occuring nightly.
something feels strange-
off slightly,
I wish I had a switch to just turn off.

I can feel you staring. could you please stop? my tired eyes can barely focus. my head hurts when you talk.
...

I have one cigarette. I promised myself this would be the last pack I smoked. but now I'm laughing at myself. what a bad joke.
every one knows I'm not strong enough. just one more pack.

they all tell me buckle down. stop spending money on things I can not afford. as if I'm throwing these 20 dollar bills and just leaving them on the floor..
fuck I'm so broke. I stop just to check that the metal I saw gleaming in the road isn't a quarter I can hoard. I don't want my card to be declined anymore. looking around, I hardly know what I'm working towards.
..

I haven't left my house all day. if I close my eyes, its as if I can almost see yesterday.

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mouse traps and simple machines.

life feels so hectic amongst the clutter. no wonder I couldn't clear my head, too many cobwebs haunting the corners of my bedroom. I cant shake this feeling of having to constantly pick up and rearrange the little trinkets and various pieces of paper that litter every possible surface of my apartment. somethings just never find a place…

the city woke up in the clouds today. driving up fulton, the whole skyline appeared to be suspended in the air. no hint where land met sky; nothing but the most delicate translucent haze.
if I'm not careful, it'd be so easy to lose myself this way.
so awkward. I feel comfortable.

i really need a little dairy for my cup of coffee. my cigarette pack has gone stale. running through my morning routines. I'm just going through the motions, with eyes hardly open.
there's rain outside my window & the breeze carries a light scent that cant help but remind me of you.

I tried walking up to cherry market for lowfat milk & possibly some smokes. open at 9:30 . youve got to appreciate timing and its odd sense of humor. maybe there's a reason you seem to be hitting all the red lights. [stop& take the time.]
I ran into miss shaina on my way back from the market. its going to be one week tomorrow, and then they're leaving. I'm going to miss them. gentle souls.
which means there's going to be a new neighbor. wonder what that's going to be like. somehow I know it just wont fit right. "the hippies live downstairs"...

...
yes. i'm guilty of overthinking. I waste day light, sleeping in. some times my clothes are dirty and I can never get my hair to stay in place. I constantly feel like I'm running in place. I mumble my words. I usually pose for pictures with a funny face. or overly serious. I'm ironic that way.
have you taken the time to learn my middle name?


time is certainly playing tricks on me. suddenly the years are played out in front of me. the little bus boy at work is a sophomore, barely 16. I told him when I graduated, &then it hit me. I was that age 5 years ago.. it didn't help, he replied with "wow. you're old."
5 years is nothing. but when you're that age,
it is. I hardly remember what its like to be that anymore. "grown up. she just turned 16. stuck in the moment: dead at the scene. its on tonight.
this is the life that you wanted right?"

I think I'm still reeling from seeing you the other week. you appeared so different; those eyes are so familiar. I felt time stand in place. you walked over so nonchalant, didn't even bother sayin "hey". eased into the conversation, as if we still talked everyday. didn't even bother with the bullshit. we were always good that way. weve known each other forever. no need to small talk about the weather. I know you better - then to waste our time with that..
but I wish I could ask. tell me. I'm curious, you know. can you pin point, when the kisses grew old. when did the answers, stop appearing in her eyes. when you see her -do you instantly feel warm and tingly inside? because I get that when I looked at you. even from across the room.. ..

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