brick walls.

its difficult knowing which direction youve been heading, when you haven't bothered looking in your rear-view mirror.
blindly finding myself following every detour, is an easy way to lose myself fast. and there's no way I'm turning around.. I hate to back track.
..

saturday morning television makes me feel bad about myself. correction: not myself, but the entire world itself. every commercial is an infomercial.. and
every other commercial is a PSA. i need to save the whales- or the sand crabs: which are slowly declining in population along California's coast, apparently.
so far I've been subjected to feeling guilty about: going green. portion control. buying what I need & not what I want. helping others. harmful chemicals. abandoned puppies. travel. time management.

well guess what morning tv! I'm too fucking busy trying to save myself. sorry sand crab. I take the bus nearly everyday. being a broke ass makes you go green. &it costs $3 to take the bus so I can't be buying things I want, when I barely scrape money together for things I need. plus I can't manage time to travel & see the world, when I'm busy working all day- huffing harmful chemicals into my lungs.

..
it looks like I'm going to have to do this on my own.
"...part of being an adult. "

and now I'm staring down the barrel, of the gun pointed in my face. I'm screaming for you to pull the trigger.
waiting for the metallic click.
..

constantly flipping through my phone: I have so many numbers, yet there's no one to call. Im still embarrassed that I called you for help the other day. what did I expect? obviously you're busy with your own life.
stupid subconscious. [i needed to be saved.] your face came to mind. my bad.


...
its like you keep digging holes, trying to fill in the ones you've already created. you are aware you're just getting deeper, right?
…

by now I should come to grips with the fact that I'm just smoking this cigarette so that I have something to do with my hands.
my days never go the way I planned. I wish I could just stand & let time
idely pass by me.


I need some motivation. I feel myself going braindead. today I really have no reason to get out of bed.
I really can't sleep. its occuring nightly.
something feels strange-
off slightly,
I wish I had a switch to just turn off.

I can feel you staring. could you please stop? my tired eyes can barely focus. my head hurts when you talk.
...

I have one cigarette. I promised myself this would be the last pack I smoked. but now I'm laughing at myself. what a bad joke.
every one knows I'm not strong enough. just one more pack.

they all tell me buckle down. stop spending money on things I can not afford. as if I'm throwing these 20 dollar bills and just leaving them on the floor..
fuck I'm so broke. I stop just to check that the metal I saw gleaming in the road isn't a quarter I can hoard. I don't want my card to be declined anymore. looking around, I hardly know what I'm working towards.
..

I haven't left my house all day. if I close my eyes, its as if I can almost see yesterday.

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mouse traps and simple machines.

life feels so hectic amongst the clutter. no wonder I couldn't clear my head, too many cobwebs haunting the corners of my bedroom. I cant shake this feeling of having to constantly pick up and rearrange the little trinkets and various pieces of paper that litter every possible surface of my apartment. somethings just never find a place…

the city woke up in the clouds today. driving up fulton, the whole skyline appeared to be suspended in the air. no hint where land met sky; nothing but the most delicate translucent haze.
if I'm not careful, it'd be so easy to lose myself this way.
so awkward. I feel comfortable.

i really need a little dairy for my cup of coffee. my cigarette pack has gone stale. running through my morning routines. I'm just going through the motions, with eyes hardly open.
there's rain outside my window & the breeze carries a light scent that cant help but remind me of you.

I tried walking up to cherry market for lowfat milk & possibly some smokes. open at 9:30 . youve got to appreciate timing and its odd sense of humor. maybe there's a reason you seem to be hitting all the red lights. [stop& take the time.]
I ran into miss shaina on my way back from the market. its going to be one week tomorrow, and then they're leaving. I'm going to miss them. gentle souls.
which means there's going to be a new neighbor. wonder what that's going to be like. somehow I know it just wont fit right. "the hippies live downstairs"...

...
yes. i'm guilty of overthinking. I waste day light, sleeping in. some times my clothes are dirty and I can never get my hair to stay in place. I constantly feel like I'm running in place. I mumble my words. I usually pose for pictures with a funny face. or overly serious. I'm ironic that way.
have you taken the time to learn my middle name?


time is certainly playing tricks on me. suddenly the years are played out in front of me. the little bus boy at work is a sophomore, barely 16. I told him when I graduated, &then it hit me. I was that age 5 years ago.. it didn't help, he replied with "wow. you're old."
5 years is nothing. but when you're that age,
it is. I hardly remember what its like to be that anymore. "grown up. she just turned 16. stuck in the moment: dead at the scene. its on tonight.
this is the life that you wanted right?"

I think I'm still reeling from seeing you the other week. you appeared so different; those eyes are so familiar. I felt time stand in place. you walked over so nonchalant, didn't even bother sayin "hey". eased into the conversation, as if we still talked everyday. didn't even bother with the bullshit. we were always good that way. weve known each other forever. no need to small talk about the weather. I know you better - then to waste our time with that..
but I wish I could ask. tell me. I'm curious, you know. can you pin point, when the kisses grew old. when did the answers, stop appearing in her eyes. when you see her -do you instantly feel warm and tingly inside? because I get that when I looked at you. even from across the room.. ..

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the desire to drive,

and escape for a day was hard to decline. I know I need the money but when I woke up && saw the sun, i knew i wanted to own the day. so when worked called 14 minutes later, I took it as a sign. I just bought myself a summer day. best $20 ill spend all day.

have you ever taken 131 north, all the way? I never had- until today. "where are we?"
"...I don't know."
"well..JUST KEEP GOING!" [so we did.]
and miraculously we found our way home..6 hours later.
...

I wrote that a few days ago. now the news seems old. tart. I've been so blah lately. its so hard to remember names, when faces keep changing..
I've completely thrown my sleep pattern out of wack. its so hard to not sleep away the day. I love the sun; I just don't want to deal with it today.
"every time. the moon shines, I become alive."



..I thought id have something insightful to say..
I thought id do something better to monument this day. one whole year.
I thought somehow id feel different.
I thought maybe someoned call. I thought maybe I wouldn't bother thinking about it, at all.
but for today, I decided I'm probably not strong enough.
..one day, ill be able to revisualize it. describe in beauty, the grotesque situations I somehow had dug myself a hole into. how was i to know? there would be two sides of you. somehow you blinded me. dazed and confused. all spun up in the delicate web you had spun; complex fucked up mind games designed so that I could never have won. these memories aren't fun.
repress&forget. eventually, that will make one hell of a story..



the tissue is too thick. the scars run too deep. surgically removing, is the only technique.



P.S. I'm really bad at this.

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&if i move my place in line, ill lose.

I've been listening to a little too much of my old music lately.

I thought these familiar words, would put me to sleep. lullabies. instead they made my mind rewind. memories of a simpler time. I wish I had known; I don't want to know what its like to grow old.
I can't believe these songs are five years old. the cds you burned me, I enjoyed them all. &I think I lost them all, when I totaled my 1st car. the soundtracks to our lives. played through the speakers of my little black Malibu. that's when we learned to aimlessly drive, because we had no clue- what to do.

why am i left wondering, after all this time. will you let me waste these days away with you?
for now I'm just going to drift back, &try to remember what we used to be like. we're such different people.
I told her, "we'd both have such different lives, had we stayed connected.."
as if it had just dawned on me. its just, the idea seems absurd.
honestly.. its fucking mind blowing.
...

I. cleaned. the. f. u. c. k. out of my apartment today. I feel so accomplished. although, in retrospect, if I kept up with the tidiness 24/7 I wouldn't need to pull these all night, crazy heart attack amounts of black coffee consumed, clean a thons.
but what else would I do to entertain myself? plus, I'm about 97.6% sure the bats gone. &i can see my closet floor. the only thing I've procrastinated doing is the weeks worth of laundry that I just can't justify not doing for a day longer. sitting feels good, after being all my feet all day. so for now, the laundry can wait. but what I have realized is, my mom was right..
I HAVE AN INSANE AMOUNT OF CLOTHES. so how is it that I never have anything to wear?

...
I can't shut my brain off. I've been super anxious with the time. I feel two steps behind & five minutes late.

I want to tie dye. I would also like to find a car & a way to loan the little bit of money I need to get the car. id also like to pay off my debts. #endless cycle. I really want to find a zoom lens for my moms old 35mm camera. do cameras vary that much year to year? I wonder if a new one would fit her vintage Canon? ill figure it out.

id like to make a post longer then 2 paragraphs long.
this is so pointless. I feel pretty vanilla. since now I pointlessly blog. Facebook people who are "virtual" friends. and now I tweet too..
I freaking love twitter. and checking Facebook more then id like to admit. and I like to pretend people stumble upon my blog.
"are you checking your facebook? its 6:48 in the morning. it's way too early for Facebook.."
what can I say? just like the rest of the population: #addicted.

[guess we are all droids]
...

I'm not sure I knew what to say,
but I'm glad I saw you the other day.
thanks for saying "hi".

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theres much to be done

but the morning air is warm with summer haze;
today may end up being a lazy day. lay low. drink iced coffee all day.
eventually I will move from my spot.
but for a second, I'm going to appreciate listening to the seconds ticking off the clock.
just stop.


there are several things I keep promising myself that id like to do.
i need to go junking and find a dresser so that the contents of my life (ie. discarded outfits. sweatshirts worn admittedly one too many times. uniforms. etc.) can at least have organization once more.
#clutter.

one of these days ill wake up early enough to walk up to the fulton street farmers market. its so close. I'm such a loner though, and I wouldn't want to make that venture alone. doesn't anyone want to go buy organic strawberries with me?? id just appreciate the sunshine in my face & a little company.

..I've been very happy with the fact that my friends trust me to drive them around lately. "will you drive?" yessss please. I miss the open road. wind in my hair. hate blockers on, listening to a favorite song.. --even if its while stuck in a traffic jam on 28th street. the sun is shining. ... once again, this turned out nothing like I had anticipated. my mind wanders too much..

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nights and lights and new roads

something about tonight, just felt right.
maybe it was the mood of the night. the moon and its light. gave the gas to ignite, and led us down this path once more.
I'm not sure I know what you're asking for; the music is playing a little too loud. just loud enough to drown out, the sounds of my doubts..

its tempting to circle around the block, but I don't want to have to stop -and ask for directions
you know I'm not from these neck-of-the-woods
it'd be nice if I could get some guidence if I could.. I'm a little sick of constantly idling.
pondering, wondering, where am I leading me?
[just follow the sunset, they'll lead us home..]


imnotsurewhereyou'vebeenbutiknowwhereidliketogo.
theres rain outside of my window. its been so.over. due. the weathermans been saying "the drought & heat wave, should be ending soon. the storm will be rolling in- sometime this afternoon.." but its too bad, you're no good at these predictions, sir. by now we've all heard. the contradictions you slur. (soon to be edited)

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spending a few nights burning out all the candles

in my room-
stick in my crib like glue.
its what i do, this is nothing new.
...its just another night alone.

i spend another night alone.

i try not to think of how nothing in this world, truly lasts.
white shirts are never as white as the day that you bought them. no matter how much bleach you use to clean them.
dirty dishes stack up, eventually creating dish mountains in my sink. regardless that i rarely eat dinner at home. or that i take care in trying to do them before they take over my entire kitchen...
new flames quickly turn into "just friends", yet slowly burns out into just familiar faces. despite the fact that i tend to try and soak them in lighter fluid, just to watch them burn out more quickly...
that butterfly feeling you get when you finally get that first kiss, slowly becomes monotonous. does that feeling ever stick?


im sick of feeling like im going through life with my eyes half closed.

im glad he calls her "new girl" too. i dont think she deserves a name yet either. prove yourself.   for once, please... give me a competitor worthy of me.

waking up and dreading how to get to work seems like a daily occurrence lately. waitressing minimum wage isn't exactly worthy of an anxiety attack. i just have to remember to breath.

good thing i take pain and find pleasure cause

you make me shed a tear.

i dont even want to think of what i was doing last year.
june 21st is approaching fairly quickly. fuck. good thing i finally woke up from that trance...
thinking of how long i was weak; i cant believe how long i lasted.

success..

its the little things in life.


like getting to the bus stop on time.  or waking up 3 minutes before your alarm sounds.  second glances from attractive strangers on the street. or being hungry and, actually being able to open your fridge, to find something to eat.

for the time being, at least things feel as if they're falling into place.

im learning to be somewhat content with this space.

but still things are eating me inside,

wish i could lie, and say i wont walk by

i just want to say "hi"

hows life been?

i haven't seen you since, god knows when.

& eventually one of us will realize,

our timing is off.

its hard to be on time, 

when you're too busy watching the clock 

...i still cant believe you moved down the block

hey neighbor, can i get some sugar?

i hate to admit such defeat

-weak feeling in my knees

      no idea you had such power over me

i know you felt it too

& i think i get it,

              from standing too close to you.

[blame it on the pheromones]

...

i still smoke entirely too many cigarettes.

this morning, i woke up with half a pack.

ive already cheif'd 3 while sitting watching the small faces on my tv

the morning news hardly peaks my interest

people are speaking; they're not talking to me

weatherman says "today, we'll have a high of 73"

im also guilty of sitting here,

contemplating too much.

 i'm really not trying, to bite off more then i can chew

its really hard for my path to not circle round &        about

i tend to wonder aimlessly, pondering

what i should do

when theres so many things i should scratch off my to-do

list, but it all seems like a waste of time

honestly, its not the first thing on my mind.

...

my hair is getting so long. i feel like i should cut it,

but then again...

what would i throw out of the window?

...

my landlord informed me that theres a new neighbor in his house. i had completely forgotten there was a free unit next door. my downstairs neighbors are moving too. i'm really going to miss them a lot. they're just up and moving to Brazil: just like that. she sold her car and he's putting his in storage. i was already promised the couch before they have a yard sale. i feel like i befriended them just a little too late. they're both so interesting. i hope there life turns out great. running the little yoga studio & living in the apartment above it. can you imagine? 

first time i met them, they were sitting on the front porch dreading each others hair. priceless.

...

one of these days, id like to feel rested when i wake from the nights sleep...

 hopefully.

mood indigo.

..I didn't know what to do. so I decided to dye part of my hair blue.
i guess this is something new.

sorta.
side of the bottle read: indigo.
the perfect balance between blue & violet.




it's an odd feeling, wanting to be older yet not wanting to grow up. as if one could increase maturity levels & stray away from the responsiblities of adulthood.

it hit me the other day. everything had changed. when did this happen? it appears like just overnight but I know that's not right. it happened over the years I guess..yet I'm still finding it difficult to walk down certain streets. empty reminders of how life was. when it seemed simplier. or atleast when this appeared exciting and new. the old coffee shoppe is closed. someone else lives in my old apartment. you can't smoke in grand coney anymore. soon someone else will drive my car. the lights in my parents old house are never on. even the faces at the gas station i frequent have changed.

I'm finding it difficult to find a spark. wet matches to gunpowder.
I am -however, trying to find solace in this enternial solitude. it's drôle living alone.
so i'm trying to find amusment in the simple things.
espically since all the things I used to be able to rely on seem to disappoint lately. they no longer bring comfort. I feel dull. simple things, like the constant tick of the clock: the sound used to soothe me. now it's steadily mocking me of what a waste it is.
i don't even enjoying smoking that much anymore.
-- i just need something to do with my hands..
pointless. what good is an addiction, you don't even enjoy?

I just feel so fucking burnt out. my flame was snuffed out awhile ago. wick: no longer exisitant. just a ball of wax. no longer useful.

..
the combination of these restraining four walls and crazy high heat of late night is messing with my head.
how is it that Ill always think of a better responce, hours later?
maybe if I was more witty. just a touch more clever. if I had a better job. if I applied myself to something productive. maybe if I was more worldly. if i censored some of my thoughts before blurting them out. if I didn't swear like a fucking sailor. or if I didn't wear my make up from the night before. maybe it's my sense of style. or the way I part my hair. maybe it's because I prefer to sleep away the day, but I'm a complete insombaic.
please.